Non Violent Communication at Sangha

I practiced non violent communication yesterday.  Well not really. I practiced it in my head and rethought through my reaction to a situation that had me steaming.  But I struggled a lot and I did not speak violently. 

 I have the whole back-story written out if anyone cares to know it, but I suddenly realized I may have been spouting off form my own benefit and just boring others. It is hard to know what people read for. But this is long enough without the backstory.

 But, the short version is the leader of a meditation sangha, I am part of, has told us he no longer has an interest or need for the Buddhism practice the group was founded around. He has been touting a new guru who guides people in a self inquiry method to get to the heart of pretty much the same base the Buddha taught, “no self” or being in “awareness.” I don’t care for it. 

 I have never converted to Buddhism, but I like the message of the Dzogchen lineage that I have been exposed to.  For me it is right–on-target and effective.  I “sit”/ meditate almost daily and it is a routine I carry with me.

 There is nothing wrong with the message this guru offers.  It is about looking behind the thoughts and the individual and recognizing another view and getting beyond the words.  It is not as rich and meaningful for me however.  And I am not comfortable with my sangha leader’s tone and demanding that he be understood.  And I just don’t want it.

 I found myself very angry and “fed up” with him yesterday and could not sit in the circle at one point and got up. And then of course I was disappointed with my reaction to him. After all, I was sitting in his sangha.  Not mine.  So I brought myself back to the circle out of respect and half listened to what he was saying to a participant and internally pieced out what I was going through so that if I opened my mouth, I would be constructive and not destructive. Because of course, my point in speaking would be to be heard and listened too and taken seriously.

 So I went through my thoughts.  I sorted out if I was actually angry and tried to lay out for myself what he was doing actually:

• Speaking a lot.
• Instructing a woman using words that I had no emotional connection with and disliked his using.
• Pushing his sangha member on something she had not really invited him to do. 
  • Although, to his credit, he did ask her, after starting in on her, if it was alright that he drilled her. She said “yes it is.”  Did she mean it, or was that a coerced because of the group setting? 

 Anyway, I broke it down to things he was doing vs. what I wanted from him as my sangha leader. Then I realized he was not going to give me those things anymore. Did that make him wrong?  Well I still have concern about his new adoration of his guru and his pressuring of us all that we should see what he sees. And then I asked myself, if something bothers me that much, often it means I should face it head on, does that mean I should investigate the guru or does that mean I should face the sangha leader? 

 I never opened my mouth to him during sangha.  I was still filled with anger and I new I could not say words that were non-violent and was concerned with shutting him down instead of getting him to listen and value what I said.  But I saw the value of the lessons.  I practiced silently for the future.

I just didn’t yesterday.

Goddard College in Vermont is a Low Residency distance learning program. We students spend nine or ten days in Plainfield Vermont every semester in a sort of retreat environment prepping ourselves for the work of the semester.  There is significant time spent with our advisor’s planning our semester’s studies. Then there is significant time spent actually writing out a plan for our semester’s studies and researching materials to use for those.  There are also workshops presented by both faculty and graduating students and sometimes even current students.  It is a rarified universe to spend time and a beautiful and supportive environment, to get a jump on the four months ahead.   And while there is broadband and wireless internet connection, there is no TV to be found on the campus.

 While some of us are in touch with our advisors at various times over the semester asking for advice or following up on “stuff” from the residency, there are official reportings necessary. Five times over the course of the semester students report into our advisors with formal packets of work.  The packets consist of essays, research papers and critical writing as creative pieces demonstrating the work and learning we have accomplished over the semester.

 November 2^nd my first packet is due.  YIKES. I am hoping to have a roughed out packet together by Tuesday the 27^th.  Theoretically this will make it possible for me to spend the rest of the week on rewriting.  I am not good at meeting these kinds of self imposed goals. But I do know it is doable.  Just stay on task and, the lesson I have been teaching myself over and over again of late, do one thing at a time.  Be present in that one thing.   This is a difficult lesson in a world where multi-tasking is the catch phrase.  But the truth is, while we have to be ready to change gears as necessary, it is important to be where you are.  It is wise to drive without texting, and write the essay without the TV on. A wonderful lesson I have come to appreciate, eat the meal and let yourself taste the food and appreciate the complication of flavor and texture. It’s good.

 It is kind of like being up at Goddard for the residency. Less distraction. It is kind of like the song in Jesus Christ Superstar where Mary Magdalene is singing to Jesus, “let the world turn without you tonight.”  It is there, but you need to let go of the, “everything,” from time to time, and as I said before, be where you are.

  

So yesterday I did not blog. I considered it. I was having a problem being where I was.  I felt overwhelmed and was having trouble accomplishing anything.  The Bayes’ stuff was bothering me and I wanted to pay attention to that. But I also felt some pressure to do some job hunting.  I had not heard from a friend in a friend who generally writes or posts to Facebook with some frequency and I wanted to check in with her. My house has been sorely neglected in recent months, and cleaning was calling.  So I did not blog. I did a lot of nothing for a while out of utter overwhlelmingness. Finally I turned my attention to doing the little things that I could get done and get something checked off my list. 

 I went to Toastmasters for the first time last night.. I liked that.  An organization designed to help people build and improve their speaking and presentation skills.  While it is a national (international?) organization, it felt comfortable and local.  It was not confrontational and very supportive and there is a lot of opportunity to speak. In my estimation, it is a given that you are going to make an effort to be understood, even if you have trouble with it.  Small talk is even made interesting. I am thrilled and going back on the 5^th.

 OK onto the day!

Happy Friday All!

Coffee, routine and insight.

I have coffee a couple of days a week with a friend or two from my old job.  The job I was just recently downsized by.  Sigh I am one of the many.  Anyway, I have come to the conclusion that this along with other structure and interaction is terribly important in accomplishing work both school work and household stuff and that dreaded unemployment and job hunting routine.  And Yeah, instilling a routine is important for me as well. Even if I deviate from it, at least there is one in place to deviate from.

 So at coffee this morning, I was discussing my background in the industry I just left, market research, and the companies I have been applying to.  One happened to be a focus group facility.  And that led to the discussion of focus group moderation and my desire to be trained in that. I whined a little that I had never pursued it because of the cost.  But then I realized in the midst of my whine, that moderating falls right in line with what I am doing with this degree.  Learning to speak with people about difficult subjects and to draw out opinions and information from those people is a part of the goal. Then learning to bring it back around to a satisfactory conclusion is the other part.   What a wonderful insight.  Maybe there is a way to work this all together and find a way to pursue it.  Starting tomorrow I go to Toastmasters which I think, will lead towards this kind of communication as well.  

 This of course is the other hard part of self directed education.  Not getting too caught up in everything. I spent much of yesterday chanting the mantra, “one-thing-at-a-time, one-thing-at-a-time, one-thing-at-a-time.” 

 Yesterday was about job hunting.  Today I am getting back into the math and God world.  Probability here I come.

 Happy Wednesday All!